I realized recently that it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. That’s good, I guess. It means that not much is troubling me to any great degree. So I’ll take this quiet opportunity afforded by the blowings-over of Tropical Storm Harvey to catch up.
It’s funny: The things I struggle with the most (eg, gender identity) ebb and flow like the tide. Right now, for example, I feel about 98.5% happily masculine, and have for weeks. Summer seems to bring out the male in me, and when I feel the vaguely “autogynephilic” idealization the strongest, it’s always in fall and winter. I have no idea why. But I’m not questioning it. Just enjoying the lack of inner turmoil over it at the moment.
I still have a lot of inner questioning and confusion, however, over my homosexual desires. What confuses me is that they shouldn’t be there: I’m honestly, legitimately STRAIGHT. So why is it that women turn me on so much and fulfill me emotionally, but I also want to have sex with men??
(In a recent post I “came out” as bisexual, but that still feels wrong for some reason.)
Answers to this question run a predictable (and unsatisfying) gamut:
“You’re gay and in denial.” Um, no…if you could feel my, uh…desire…for Mila Kunis, Jenna Coleman, or Melissa Fumero, you’d know that’s just not true. (I’ve also been happily married for 17 years.) Plus, it’s unwarranted and unfair to just dismiss someone’s claims of subjective sexual identity experience merely because they don’t conform to your own worldview. A lot of gays, for example, will use the “you’re gay and in denial” approach with someone like me. I’m pretty sure that they would be highly insulted, however, if someone were to tell them, “You’re really straight and just in denial. This is just a phase. A kink. You’re just confused.” No, they KNOW they’re gay, skin to bone, especially if they’ve already started sleeping with other men. Likewise, I KNOW I’m straight. My anxiety and confusion does not arise from such a question as “Am I gay?” but rather from “How does it work that I’m straight AND I want gay sex?”
“You’re bisexual.” Eh…that label doesn’t fit. Not interested in men romantically. Just want them to fuck me silly. And I don’t generally get skip-a-beat turned on by goodlooking guys in public, like I do with women.
“It’s just a kink.” No, that descriptor feels wrong, too. The idea of gay sex is still appealing even after I orgasm from the fantasy. It resides. It’s like a permanent and natural and respectable part of my “sex brain”. And it’s not just a cheap, nasty, porno thrill: when I fantasize, I care for the man’s enjoyment in the sex, view him as a full person, and not just any man would do: he’s gotta be hot. (And I definitely have a type.)
“You’re heteroflexible/heteroromantic-homosexual.” Um…what the fuck is THAT? I mean, I get the idea, but I can find no evidence that such a thing even exists. Thinking about it, though, I have to be honest: There are elements of being attracted to women romantically that I hear other people describe that are just kinda…weird to me. Some guys talk about having a crush on a girl and really wanting to sleep with her. It’s strange…It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex, but wanting to fuck your love interest has always been a little alien to me. It’s like…love and sex are different, and even though I would love to be able to have both at the same time, I find myself incapable of truly expressing myself sexually with a woman. Fuck’s sake, now I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m going too deep, maybe overstating things. Better end this now.