…when she finally finds and reads this blog? (Or when I show it to her?)
Suicide, gay fantasies, gender identity issues…it’s all going to be a lot to process. Some of it will no doubt hurtful. Confusing. Maybe devastating. (Although in practical terms it shouldn’t be; nothing will ever change between me and her.)
But at some point–next month, next year, 10 years from now, maybe when I die–she’ll read all this. I mean, there are those for whom writing is probably just a personal, therapeutic, or academic exercise, and this blog does serve those purposes for me. But it’s also a record of who I am. A crying out to the world of all the things that I dare not say, but which are also the things that I desperately MUST say, to someone, somewhere, at some point. The things that I am embarrassed of, terrified of, and afraid would destroy me and my loved ones.
The thing is, in a lot of respects, I am alone in the world. I’ve shared a LOT with my wife–burdens so deep and so heavy that others would never believe–and I’m sure she would weep to think that I’m keeping things from her out of fear, and she would implore me, “Baby! You can tell me anything!” But put yourself in my shoes. How do you explain to your WIFE of 17 years and the mother of your daughter, for example, that there is such a thing as being a straight man who also wants to suck and fuck other men? And how do you make her believe that you WON’T do it? That you honestly HAVEN’T already done it? Best to let that sleeping dog lie. How do you even BEGIN a conversation about autogynephilia??
I have a shrink, but I can only afford to see her a half-hour per month. No time to get into all this with her.
In a lot of important areas in my heart, I’m alone. Hence this blog.
If and when the time ever comes for suicide, the URL here is going to be in the note.