Tag Archives: bisexuality

Yeah, after all this time, I think I’m gonna hafta go with…

Bisexual.

The doubt, the questioning–the dilemma–has always been Why is it that I’m not nearly as visually attracted to men as I am to women, and yet I still want to have sex with them?

The possibility of “just a kink”, “just a fetish” never felt adequate.  It felt dirty.  Disrespectful, both to me and to my (imagined) male partner(s).

Then I finally realized:  Simple biSEXuality is a legitimate form of bisexuality.  That is to say, although there are indeed differences between sexual orientation, sexual behavior, and sexual identity, feeling that one has an inclination towards both genders in any one of these areas is well and truly grounds for the bisexual label, if one chooses it for himself.

And I need a label, despite people constantly saying that labels are limiting, counterproductive, unhelpful, problematic, etc.  Labels help us understand ourselves.  They help us juxtapose ourselves in a space and time and in social and biological constructs.  There are those of course who are content to happily embrace the wonderful ambiguity and complexity of the human being, but I’m not one of them.  I need to feel grounded.  Situated.

I’ll probably never really “come out of the closet” with this.  There’s no need to, and it could prove counterproductive.  I think my wife already kinda suspects I’m somewhat bi to some degree, but if I were to boldly just assert it, I’m not sure how she would react.  And since I have no intention of ever seeking male-male sex or romance, there’s no point in telling her anyway.  I guess this just has to be private.  Between me and my blog.  (Oh, and reddit.  I put stuff anonymously on reddit, LOL.)

Bi-flag_new

I am dying to suck cock.

…and I’ve always been this way.

First of all, I guess, apologies for the content of this post.  But if this blog is going to be an open and honest exploration and expression of myself–including my sexuality–I will hold nothing back.  I NEED to say these things.  Besides, this is why I requested that the WordPress mods mark this blog as “Mature”.

This mad desire to perform fellatio has always confused me, because I’m an otherwise fully straight male.  It started in my teens, and it’s been with me ever since.  I’ve often wondered if it’s “just a kink”, but I don’t think so: I’m genuinely ATTRACTED to penises, the same way I’m attracted to women’s legs or breasts or hair.  Cocks just wildly turn me on.  They’re beautiful.  They’re HOT.

I’m not the only straight guy like this, it seems.  A fair number of men are “into the dick but not the dude”, and are otherwise completely straight.  Gay hookup apps like Grindr and the back pages of any urban community events paper are replete with straight (often happily married) men looking to give quick, anonymous blowjobs.  (Something I’ve never done, btw.  But in my late teens and early twenties I used to breathlessly fantasize about–and was very tempted to actually do–getting in my car, driving along one of the rural highways near my home, finding some guy hitchhiking or otherwise near the road, and offering to suck him senseless.)

If you were to combine this desire with the fact that I love hard receptive anal play (God I love my prostate!!), you’d think I was gay.  And then on top of that, I’ve grown to love the taste and mouth feel of semen.  (My own, of course.)  So I think I’d be pretty good at blowing, and it might seem for all the world that I’m gay.  But no, I really am fiercely, distractedly, unambiguously attracted to women.  There’s no question of that.  It’s all very weird.  Maybe I’m legit bisexual.

Just chalk it up to the weirdness of human sexuality, I guess.  Some researchers (Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam) did write a book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts in which they explored this heterosexual male arousal towards penises, and they found it surprisingly universal.  Well, common, at least.

That’s reassuring in a way, in the sense that I fit into some sensible sexual category, even though that shouldn’t be necessary for my self-acceptance.

p.s.  AGAIN:  I’ve never actually given a blowjob.  I’m happily and faithfully married, so it has always been and always will be just a fantasy.