Bisexual. Or at least “sexually fluid straight male” as sex therapist Joe Kort coined it.
The doubt, the questioning–the dilemma–has always been Why is it that I’m not nearly as visually attracted to men as I am to women, and yet I still want to have sex with them?
The possibility of “just a kink”, “just a fetish” never felt adequate. It felt dirty. Disrespectful, both to me and to my (imagined) male partner(s).
Then I finally realized: Simple biSEXuality is a legitimate form of bisexuality. That is to say, although there are indeed differences between sexual orientation, sexual behavior, and sexual identity, feeling that one has an inclination towards both genders in any one of these areas is well and truly grounds for the bisexual label, if one chooses it for himself.
And I need a label, despite people constantly saying that labels are limiting, counterproductive, unhelpful, problematic, etc. Labels help us understand ourselves. They help us juxtapose ourselves in a space and time and in social and biological constructs. There are those of course who are content to happily embrace the wonderful ambiguity and complexity of the human being, but I’m not one of them. I need to feel grounded. Situated.
I’ll probably never really “come out of the closet” with this. There’s no need to, and it could prove counterproductive. I think my wife already kinda suspects I’m somewhat bi to some degree, but if I were to boldly just assert it, I’m not sure how she would react. And since I have no intention of ever seeking male-male sex or romance, there’s no point in telling her anyway. I guess this just has to be private. Between me and my blog. (Oh, and reddit. I put stuff anonymously on reddit, LOL.)