Tag Archives: sex

Yeah, after all this time, I think I’m gonna hafta go with…

Bisexual.  Or at least “sexually fluid straight male” as sex therapist Joe Kort coined it.

The doubt, the questioning–the dilemma–has always been Why is it that I’m not nearly as visually attracted to men as I am to women, and yet I still want to have sex with them?

The possibility of “just a kink”, “just a fetish” never felt adequate.  It felt dirty.  Disrespectful, both to me and to my (imagined) male partner(s).

Then I finally realized:  Simple biSEXuality is a legitimate form of bisexuality.  That is to say, although there are indeed differences between sexual orientation, sexual behavior, and sexual identity, feeling that one has an inclination towards both genders in any one of these areas is well and truly grounds for the bisexual label, if one chooses it for himself.

And I need a label, despite people constantly saying that labels are limiting, counterproductive, unhelpful, problematic, etc.  Labels help us understand ourselves.  They help us juxtapose ourselves in a space and time and in social and biological constructs.  There are those of course who are content to happily embrace the wonderful ambiguity and complexity of the human being, but I’m not one of them.  I need to feel grounded.  Situated.

I’ll probably never really “come out of the closet” with this.  There’s no need to, and it could prove counterproductive.  I think my wife already kinda suspects I’m somewhat bi to some degree, but if I were to boldly just assert it, I’m not sure how she would react.  And since I have no intention of ever seeking male-male sex or romance, there’s no point in telling her anyway.  I guess this just has to be private.  Between me and my blog.  (Oh, and reddit.  I put stuff anonymously on reddit, LOL.)

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I am dying to suck cock.

…and I’ve always been this way.

First of all, I guess, apologies for the content of this post.  But if this blog is going to be an open and honest exploration and expression of myself–including my sexuality–I will hold nothing back.  I NEED to say these things.  Besides, this is why I requested that the WordPress mods mark this blog as “Mature”.

This mad desire to perform fellatio has always confused me, because I’m an otherwise fully straight male.  It started in my teens, and it’s been with me ever since.  I’ve often wondered if it’s “just a kink”, but I don’t think so: I’m genuinely ATTRACTED to penises, the same way I’m attracted to women’s legs or breasts or hair.  Cocks just wildly turn me on.  They’re beautiful.  They’re HOT.

I’m not the only straight guy like this, it seems.  A fair number of men are “into the dick but not the dude”, and are otherwise completely straight.  Gay hookup apps like Grindr and the back pages of any urban community events paper are replete with straight (often happily married) men looking to give quick, anonymous blowjobs.  (Something I’ve never done, btw.  But in my late teens and early twenties I used to breathlessly fantasize about–and was very tempted to actually do–getting in my car, driving along one of the rural highways near my home, finding some guy hitchhiking or otherwise near the road, and offering to suck him senseless.)

If you were to combine this desire with the fact that I love hard receptive anal play (God I love my prostate!!), you’d think I was gay.  And then on top of that, I’ve grown to love the taste and mouth feel of semen.  (My own, of course.)  So I think I’d be pretty good at blowing, and it might seem for all the world that I’m gay.  But no, I really am fiercely, distractedly, unambiguously attracted to women.  There’s no question of that.  It’s all very weird.  Maybe I’m legit bisexual.

Just chalk it up to the weirdness of human sexuality, I guess.  Some researchers (Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam) did write a book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts in which they explored this heterosexual male arousal towards penises, and they found it surprisingly universal.  Well, common, at least.

That’s reassuring in a way, in the sense that I fit into some sensible sexual category, even though that shouldn’t be necessary for my self-acceptance.

p.s.  AGAIN:  I’ve never actually given a blowjob.  I’m happily and faithfully married, so it has always been and always will be just a fantasy.

to all porn performers, I’m sorry

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Let me begin by saying that I’m not here to judge anyone’s choices to view or purchase pornography. What follows are my viewpoints on my own behavior alone, and I do not extend them to anyone.

Thing is, I’ve had a mild porn addiction for about a decade now. (Is viewing 2 – 3x a week “mild”? I don’t know.)

But no matter how I try to rationalize it, no matter how normalized it becomes in society, in my heart, for me, I just know porn is wrong. Not in any religious “sinful” sense, but just in a way that sets off alarms in my own basic sense of human decency. And there are ethical problems within the industry, of course (which I won’t even go into at the moment) which make me very uncomfortable about watching porn.

Yet still I do it. It’s just so appealing at a physical level.

I’m especially sorry to all the women actors in porn. I’ve lusted after you and objectified you, and so many of you have been victimized in ways that so many of us will never know or understand. Yes yes, I know, there’s a long standing debate that rages over the sexual politics of pornography (“empowerment or objectification?”), and some might accuse me of “white knighting” or benevolent sexism, but the fact of the matter is, I know what’s right and wrong, and I know when I’m not viewing a woman in the appropriate context. I have a wife and a daughter, and I just can’t deal with the cognitive dissonance any longer of loving and respecting them while indulging the fantasy of a woman as a casual sex object. Some women porn performers might genuinely enjoy their work. If so, fantastic. More power to them. But for my part, I FEEL that I’ve done wrong by viewing it.

I don’t subscribe to r/nofap. I’m not a teetotaler about masturbation or erotica in general. That’s not what this is about. This is about me publicly declaring that I just don’t want this anymore, and to each and every performer in the industry–especially those who have been victimized in any way–I’m sorry. I’m sorry that men like me made it possible for the industry to exist in the first place. I should be better than this.

image credit: harrison.anthony25, flickr.com. (CC-BY SA 2.0)